You know what grinds my gears?

To: The Congregation
From: Sir Chas
Date: Thursday, May 4, 2006
Subject: [Insert 30 seconds of thinking up a big-zero, bland, boring, colorless, dead, driveling, flat, flavorless, inane, innocuous, insipid, jejune, least, lifeless, limp, milk-and-water, nothing, nowhere, stale, tame, tasteless, tedious, tiresome, unimaginative, uninspiring, uninteresting, unpalatable, vacant, vacuous, watery, weak, wishy-washy subject line.]

Hello my faithful minions. Did you miss me? Does the sight of my name make you randy? Do you need to be excused from the table?

I apologize for my lack of entries, but try to understand that I've been very, very busy boning your mother. Trust me, it was worth it. Now that I've caught my breath, I'll try to post more often — wink.

After walking my German shorthair around my secluded, fenced-in neighborhood this morning and pouring myself a steaming cup of Starbuck's blend of the week, "Morning Brew," I sat down and read the only publication worth my time ... The Wall Street Journal. Not only do the writers' tone and style dazzle me, but the actual paper goes well with my giant African mahogany breakfast table.

I was extremely bothered by the fact that that no-good, Jesus-hating terrorist Zacarias Moussaoui was sentenced to a life sentence. My face actually turned red, as red as the stripes in the American flag. What bothered me was not that he was given this sentence, but that others had called for his death via execution.

How is putting him out of his misery going to help? Idiotic, animal-like Muslims would only rally around his termination and make him out to be some sort of martyr.

I commend the jury that renderred this verdict, as it is the only punishment that fits his crime (knowing what was going to happen to the men and women inside the World Trace Center's twin towers. I don't care how "limited" his knowledge was — he knew!). Being continuously tortured and brutally sodomized in a 5x9 cell will make him think about what he's done. Bubba will make sure of that!

Maybe one day, after having his o-ring snapped by an extra-gerthy Alabama black snake, he'll realize that what lies ahead of him is going to burn ... real bad ... forever. He should have spent a little bit more time listening to Bob Dylan instead of Osama: "Don't follow leaders and watch you parking meters."

Soon, I calmed down and drove to work in the city in my brand new Hummer. Hey, I don't care about this gas price scare — I'm rich, bitch!


Anonymous said...

mousouai didn't do shit. he's innocent! he should go free. bush should be in prison.


you are my only allah
the high and uptmost
the only

Chas said...

Nice job of capitalizing your god's name, munson.

Lindsay said...

It'd be cool if he were routinely sodomized but I thought he was goin to be in isolation for the rest of his life, 23/7 (one hour for...I dunno)? I wonder if he’ll try to kill himself after a few years of that misery…

Charlie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Chas said...

True, Lindsay. But let's try a little suspension of disbelief and imagine the pain (physical and emotional) our derranged terrorist would endure during his stint in our penal system if Bubbas and brothers got to have their way with him. Picture it. Yeah, that's it. Can you smell his fear? Can you taste his tears? I can.

Reach deep down in your heart, to where there is still some trace of American nostalgia left. Little girls running wildly with sparklers on the 4th, hot dogs and popcorn at the local ballgame, the open road and the convertibles we command to cut through them... It's these things bastards like him are trying to destroy -- not our buildings, but the way of life we as a family share and pass on to future friends.

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Chas said...

"Secret shopping" ... that's what I do when the wife runs out of feminine products.