All the pussy-whipped guys say, "HO!"

What are you waiting for? I'm not gonna say it. No. OK, but real quick. ho...

"I [heart] my wife" ... What's the first thing that goes through your mind when you see that bumper sticker on a car? I don't know about you, but I automatically assume numerous things when I see that:

• The douchebag is a Michael Bolton fan.
• Probably watches Oprah when he's not at work.
• Has the smallest engine available for his vehicle.
• Washes his hands every time he sneezes.
• Is better dressed than his wife.
• Shaves his legs and arm pits.
• Cheats on his wife.

Now, women, I know you don't like to hear stuff like this, but listen. The more pressure you put on a guy to not cheat on you, the more likely it is that he will. Just think when you were a teenager ... This really applies to everything. Rebellion, I guess. When someone tells you not to do something, it makes you want to do it much more. Take, for example, all these little church girls that turn into whores, or take up heavy drug use. They only do it because it was forbade by their parents. It turns into a thrill—"it" meaning drugs, drinking, or even sex.

So, anyway, yeah, umm.. I just laugh when I see those bumper stickers. Or even the religious ones: "God loves you": "God is not a republican"; or even "Jesus is my best friend." Aww... Jesus is my bestest friend. Well, hot damn! You lucky sonuvabitch. He won't answer my phone calls... bastard. In fact, many of the I [heart] my wife bumper stickers are given away by Promise Keepers, these people that hold religious rallies for men across the country. What are you supposed to bring to these events? According to the Web site, "A Bible, pen, a friend and a readiness to release the raw power of your heart." Whoa. The RAW power of yer' heart. I'm in.

Here's my idea for a bumpersticker: "I [heart] my girlfriend ... except for when she's raggin' or when she gets home from 'girls' night out,' where her friends have been talking about how horrible of a person I am. Fuck her friends." ... Or something like that.