Run, bitches. She's got a bible in hand and fire in her mouth. She's the antichrist. Hang, draw and quarter that bitch.
Subject: [Insert 30 seconds of thinking up a vapid subject line.]
Anybody in the world watch the History Channel besides me? I hope so because, if not, I'd feel kinda weird. I can't get enough of that shit, and last night they had programming aimed toward me, I swear. First, they had a two hour special about hell, Satan, and the world's infatuation with the two. After that, they had a special on the antichrist. You know what I was thinking ... Sweet!
I kinda freaked out my girlfriend. She ended up having nightmares about it, and I laughed through the whole thing. The funniest part? Anne Graham Lotz, the daughter of THE Rev. Billy Graham. This bitch, whoo... breathe, Spencer. She came off looking like a third grader compared to the other people who were commenting on the matter. You can tell she has studied nothing but the bible. She honestly believes that hell is in the center of Earth. Not just matter and molten lava. Hell is there. Am I the only one that finds that fucking hysterical? Hold on, I need to laugh. Muah hahahaha!
The antichrist special was sort of a let-down. They did have Hal Lindsey speak—the guy that wrote The Late Great Planet Earth, which served as a sort of precursor for the Left Behind series (which have sold 65 million goddamn books, can you believe that shit?). Though I can't quote him verbatim, his messages went something like this, "He will be extremely charismatic, attractive, the whole world will love him. Then, they will worship him." Ding, ding, ding! I think I know who he's trying to paint a picture of. Clinton anyone? Bill Clinton? I knew they had to talk about him somewhere. Why can't you guys leave Billy-boy alone?
Probably the funniest part, to me at least, was these people at the New Life Church in El Paso, Texas. These fucking people were crazy. "Satan! I command you. Leave this young boy here!" Ahhhhh! I have Satan inside of me? Goddamit, I need to go to church. It all makes sense now. Satan is inside of me right now making me write horrible things about Anne Graham Lotz. I just need to go to church, so I can be cleansed. I can see the light, bitches! I can see the light.
I need to stop. I don't want an angry mob finding this post and forming outside to burn me at the stake. Later, bitches.