12 days to Christmas

To: The Masses
From: Poppa
Date: Dur dur durr!
Subject: [Insert 30 seconds of thinking up a vapid subject line.]

With it being Dec. 13, I thought about doing a cute little thing on there being 12 days until Christmas. Then, after intense consideration, I decided not to because, well, that would be pretty gay. Also, I wrote on a yellow post-it note to remember to kick myself in the nuts later for using the word "cute."

I figure I'll give 12 reasons why I hate Christmas — or rather, the holiday season in general:

#12 — Music — I bet Bing Crosby was a nice guy. He probably held the door open for ladies, walked old women across the street, talked to school children about not doing drugs, went to church faithfully, paid all his parking tickets and waved at police officers. But every time I hear a note from one of his goddamn songs, I experience violent, sporadic neck and back spasms. Afterwards, I want to strangle a Mormon.

#11 — Celebrities — Ugh.. wait. I just got that acidic, throw-up taste in my mouth. (one moment, please) ... I'm OK. It just makes me sick when I think about corporate whores and media sluts strutting around singing Christmas carols and acting like they have a conscience, even more that they might have morals and convictions. They try to capture any cameo opportunity available to strut their stunning humility. Ha! Fuck off.

#10 — Television — If I have to watch Christmas "classics" like Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer or Miracle on 34th Street one more goddamn time, I'm gonna shoot a squirrel — just because squirrels resemble that clay reindeer a little bit in the face. After that, I'm gonna steal every 34th Street sign in a 50-mile radius, melt them down and make a gargantuan missile to shoot at a St. Nicholas Catholic Church... if I can find one.

#9 — Movies — Are you people not tired of Tim Allen, yet? I mean damn. I'm thinking about staking out at the movie theaters and lighting up movie-goers — kids and all — with paint balls. And no, not just regular paint balls. I'll let them sit in the freezer for a day or two. That way, when I shoot, they hit you and bounce off — leaving a huge, painful, welp (is that how you spell it? 'welp').

#8 — Advertisements — I just can't get enough of "Real Deal Bill"s. Half of half of half of half off just irritates and confuses me. Plus sales that big just get more of the people I fucking hate in the stores I hate to go to in the first place.

#7 — Nativity scenes — They're re-damn-diculous. Especially in Arkansas, where we have nativity scenes on the lawns of our county courthouses. OK, there's heat over kids saying "under God" in the pledge of allegiance, but these jackfucks can go to K-Mart and buy a lighted display of the birth of Jesus Christ and put in on the lawn of the county's central government property? Real smuckin fart.

#6 — X-mas — I just don't understand the statement you're trying to make. OK, smart ass, I get that they're taking Christ out of "Christmas." Firstly, if it bothers you that fucking much, why not just say the amiably accepted "Holiday," as in "Happy Holidays?" I'm not religious, but it doesn't bother me to say Christmas. Ya know why? Because I'm using it colloquially, not literally. You wanna get specific? Stop saying our country is a democracy. We are a republic.

#5 — Santa Claus — Is it just me, or is Santa not just another version of Big Brother? My parents didn't stick with the whole Santa bullshit that much when I was younger. And I thank them. The only time Santa is acceptable is when your dad, the drunk, spent all his Christmas bonus at the titty bar. ... "Sorry, kids," he says, drooling a little, "Santa's fat ass forgot us this year. He'll be back, though." The kids show utter contempt, and after a brief moment of silence, the son steps up and asks: "Daddy, will you beat Santa up?" ... "Of course," the dad says. "Let's go to the mall!"

#4 — Joy — Being a member of the People Who Hate People party, I especially hate people who are extremely happy. They make me nervous. I’ve come to an agreement, with myself I guess, that anyone who is happy all the time is either deaf, blind and/or dumb. I’ll stick by that formula till the day I die.

#3 — Weather — I love cold weather. But I get so fucking tired of people bitching about how cold it is. Listen. We live in Arkansas for shit’s sake. Put on a fucking sweater. Shut up. Also, I hate the easy conversation starters. I’d rather sit in awkward silence with most of you jackasses than talk about the goddamn temperature outside. There, I said it.

#2 — Gifts — If I were part of a religion, and I were going to celebrate the birth of my savior, why the hell would I want to feel like I have to spend money on someone else — or rather, why would I expect someone else to spend money on me? Every fucking year, I have to hear my (now) 7-year-old niece cry because she didn’t get what she wanted from “Santa.” I can’t scold her. That’s what she’s been taught. By her parents. By friends at school. “Be good all year and you’ll get what you want for Christmas,” she hears. Fuck that. How about, “Great job on your report card, Brittany. You know that bike you wanted? You just earned it.”??? Oh, my bad. That totally goes against the grain. Blow me.

#1 — December 25th — I can’t ever buy liquor. I can’t eat at my favorite restaurants. Every person I see says, “Merry Christmas!” or “Man, it’s cold!” My whole family is in a bad mood. I didn’t get anything I wanted. None of my friends can leave their homes because family’s in town. I’m stuck playing Xbox all damn day. God I hate X-mas.


Lindsay said...

I think it's welt.

Good readin.

Santa Claus said...

Grats, you get a waaburger and some french cries this year :)