To: The Holiday Season
From: Your worst fucking nightmare
Date: Next week
Subject: [Insert 30 seconds of thinking up a vapid subject line.]
Well well well, I made it. Through trying times endured over the weekend, I escaped — albeit harmfully — Christmas weekend. Thanks to a present by my cousin, this holiday season wasn’t too bad.
I had my low points, of course. I had to go shop for my girlfriend on Friday, and yes, it was hell. I could’ve made it easier on myself and shopped earlier, but I’m a journalist (translation: I procrastinate all the time). I was forced to sit and chat with people I barely knew — which I hate. Let me rephrase that ... I don’t hate meeting new people. I hate meeting people that I will never be friends with, nor hang out with — especially around the holidays when I feel forced to amicably converse with them as if we were friends or hung out occasionally.
I got to spend some quality time with Pops. I feel kinda bad for my dad around Christmas time. In the last five years, he’s lost his mom, brother, younger sister and best friend from high school — and all either passed away in November or December. Needless to say, the holidays can force a dismal atmosphere to hover over my house.
I got some decent presents. But I did learn a veeeeery valuable lesson. Guys — never, ever, listen to a girl when she tries to hype up what she’s getting you for Christmas. All she’s doing is trying to get you to spend more money on her, and you WILL be let down. I dished out some cash on that girl this Christmas and I know she didn’t spend more than $100 on me. I’m not a big present guy, I wish she and I would just reach an agreement that we get each other one good present every year.
Anyway. Best present I got this year? A joint from my cousin who recently was released from the penitentiary. Simple, sweet, and it made me reminisce about high school. I don’t get a chance to smoke that often anymore, so when I do, it’s fun and it tends to conjure up memories of when I smoke ALL the time in high school.
Worst present I got this year? Candle and candle holder. OK, girls. Listen: GUYS. DON’T. LIKE. CANDLES. Never have, never will. I don’t care if it matches the colors in my room. It is a waste of wrapping paper and a box; moreover, it’s a waste of effort by me just opening the fucking thing. Honestly, my girlfriend must be starting to think I’m becoming a metrosexual or something. Nope. Not happening, that’s just not me.
Best TV of the weekend? South Park marathons. God, I love that fucking show. Red Sleigh Down is arguably the best Christmas special ever. ... Tell me what you know about America Santa. “Well it’s gonna be a long night,” said Santa, “because I don’t know SHIT!” haha
How was the holiday weekend for you? E-mail me and let me know, I’m kinda bored at work.