Fuck you's of the day

To: You
From: Guess
Date: Duh
Subject: [Insert 30 seconds of thinking up a vapid subject line.]

I gotta find that aggression that sparked my fire in the early days (more like three weeks ago). So I decided to compose a list of Fuck You's for everyone, everything or every belief that I hate.

Without further ado:

George W. Bush, Mike Huckabee and Bill Fray, Fuck You.

Conservatives in general, religious radicals and the bigotry, oppression and closed-mindedness that follows those two, Fuck You.

All of the radio stations in Little Rock, Ark., Fuck You. Play some good fucking music.

While I'm thinking about that, all the major labels, Fuck You — for allowing, and even pressuring, artists to put out shitty music.

That tooth I have in the back of my mouth that starts hurting every time I eat chocolate, Fuck You. I wanted to rip you out this Christmas weekend.

All you goddamn barbie doll girls, like the ones I work with and used to date (thank god I've been enlightened), Fuck You. Get a mind of your own, or at least a mind. Read a book, turn off the fucking TV.

Cancer, Fuck You — for taking the lives of cool people, including Bill Hicks and my aunt.

Metallica, Fuck You. You put out four good CDs, and then you cut your fucking hair and your music goes to shit. Thanks, a lot.

Hippies, Fuck You. Ya know, I've found that everyone hates hippies, with exception for their friends that are hippies. It's the same in my case. I have a few hippy friends that I love to death, but goddamn I hate hippies. Take your fucking hemp sandals and floss your ass, and cut your goddamn hair. Oh yeah, and take a shower for fuck sake.

Soccer moms, Fuck You. I don't know why, I just don't like you. I think it's probably because you represent everything I think is totally wrong with our society: Mediocrity.

FCC, Fuck You. I like hearing profanity. Fuck the kids, I hope every child of a preacher is reading this column in horror.

Hmmm... and last, but not least, Fuck You. Nah, just kidding.