Subject: [Insert 30 seconds of thinking up a vapid subject line.]
SAN FRANSISCO — Pat Robertson — famous religious broadcaster, philanthropist, educator, religious leader, businessman and author — announced Wednesday that he is homosexual, putting a stop to years of speculation. He said he plans to continue hosting his program, “The 700 Club,” despite his confession.
Robertson, in an official statement released by his spokesman, said: “It feels so great to come clean now. Oopsie! No pun intended. ... Anyhoo, I want all my fans to know I love them bunches, and I hope they don’t look at me differently.”
Conflicting theories of Robertson’s sexual preference began developing in his early childhood. Neighborhood friends said he never played sports, but that he was content on spending time “playing ‘tea party’ with the girls," according to childhood friend Ralph Morton.
Morton said he always thought Robertson was gay. "He was just too damn good at jumproping," he said. "And that's gay."
So who's the main squeeze for the new guy on the block? Robertson is rumored to have a relationship with a production assistant for his program.
Responses to the declaration have been mixed.
“I think it took a lot of courage for him to go out there, all gay-like, and do that,” said Whitehouse spokesman Scott McClellan, quoting President George W. Bush. “I wish I had that courage every waking hour.”
Glennda Testone, director of communications and media programs for GLAAD (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation), showed little support, saying only, "I always knew he was a fag."
Apparently, the announcement has sent shockwaves throughout the Christian community with scores of men beginning to question their sexuality. A number of ministers throughout the Bible belt have resigned. Brian "Head" Welch, former KORN guitarist turned modern-day martyr, expressed confusion and perturbation. "What the fuck?" Welch said. "What THE fuck?"
Rev. Jesse Jackson declined to comment on the matter.
Christian executives have expressed stern disapproval. “I’d be lying if I said I were anything but extremely disappointed,” said Jesus H. Christ from Christianity’s corporate headquarters in Heaven. “I guess since we’re losing some of our biggest leaders to sodomy, we should start trying to get those people back.”
Christ announced that the church’s official flag, white with a blue square emblazoned with a red cross in the top-left corner, will undergo a facelift. “We want to spruce it up a little bit. You know, add some flava,” said Christ.
The white in the flag will be replaced with lilac purple, with the blue box being restored with a deeper purple. The cross will be bright yellow, instead of blood red.
Robertson expressed extreme fervor at the announcement of Christ’s plans to change the flag.
“I think it’ll be cute,” he said. “Now, we have to start working on the colors of the American Flag.”