Jackfuck of the Day
(Picture caption: "Calm down, bitches!" says Whitehouse spokesman Scott McClellan at a recent briefing. He later said he was gay.)
Subject: [Insert 30 seconds of thinking up a vapid subject line.]
Mr. Scott McClellan, Whitehouse spokesman and ass pirate, takes the honor today.
Whitehouse press spokesmen — more specifically Ari Fleischer from 2000-2004 and McClellan — have tough jobs. Anyone that has to speak for a bumbling idiot like Bush must contemplate suicide daily. However, working for Bush doesn’t give you the right to be a prick, which is exactly what Fleischer was and McClellan is.
I wonder what the job qualifications are for spokesman for Bush? Here’s what I’m guessing:
• You have to be totally unattractive, which makes it easier for people to hate you.
• You had to have been a frat boy in college. Jackfuck McClellan was president of Sigma Phi Epsilon (Sig Eps) at the University of Texas at Austin. He fits the mold perfectly of a fraternity president. They’re always one of the gayest guys in the house — which means he’s really gay because all frat boys are gay. They actually take the fraternity seriously. They wouldn’t have any friends if they didn’t pay $8,000 a year to party.
• Your whole family must suck up to the president as much as you do, as does McClellan’s brother, Mark, and his mother and father.
• You have to be able to come up with quotes that sound straight out of a 17th century novel on short notice, or be able to sufficiently dodge a question and sound stupid while you’re doing it.
• Lastly, per Bush’s strict judgment, the Whitehouse press secretary has to give a toe-curling blow job.