Ahh... Long time, no see

To: You
From: Guess
Date: Duh
Subject: [Insert 30 seconds of thinking up a vapid subject line.]

Well, folks. My vacationing days are over. I had to fucking work on New Year's, and yes, it sucked. I got to make fun of all the drunk asses ringing in the New Year. I also saw some of the ass eaters I went to high school with. God I hate those motherfuckers. I think I started something on Scientology before I left... so here I go.

Ahhh. I remember now. I was feeling a little woozy from the pain meds. (Woozy? What the fuck? Where did that word come from?) Well I'm not in near as good of a mood today. I'm not listening to "Dazed and Confused," rather I'm listening to "Hooker with a Penis" by Tool. Never heard of it? Here's the chorus, to give you a little clue as to how I'm feeling today:

"All you know about me is what I've sold you, dumb fuck. I sold out long before you ever even heard my name. I sold my soul to make a record, dip shit, and then you bought one. ... Well, I've got some advice for you, little buddy. Before you point your finger, you should know that I'm the man. And if I'm the fucking man and your the man, as well, then you can point that fucking finger up your ass."

Isn't that sweet?

Anyway, so about this ass pirate L. Ron Hubbard and his queer ass religion. Ass ass ass, yeah I say "ass" a lot. I remember hearing about Scientology for the first time. It was when news surfaced about Tom Cruise choosing the Scientology route, therefore inadvertently announcing his idiocy. I thought to myself, "Hmm... What is this Scientology shit? It must be cool if TOM CRUISE believes it. And Beck. And John Travolta, too!" Sorry about the exclamation point (and the all-caps).

So I went online to check it out. And yes, I fell into the trap. I took the "Free Personality Test!" (Goddammit, I swear, no more exclamation points are coming.) South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone hit the nail on the head (sorry for the lack of of a better phrase) when they portrayed the Scientologist ass pirate asking Stan those fucking-Duh! questions.

"So, Mr. Blah-blah, do you ever feel like there's something you'd like to change about yourself?" Well, no fucking shit. Ya know, now that I think about it, this L. Ron guy wasn't that stupid. I wish I would've thought about asking people demeaning questions, making people question their own self-worth and self-confidence, therefore making them feel alienated and ostracized by society. In their minutes of helplessness, I'll offer them a new religion as solace. Hell yeah.

It'd almost be kinda cool if Scientology was thought up by L. Ron after numerous LSD-induced hallucinations. It's just gay that he thought it up on his own. I'll read any writing that people thought up when their Third Eye was wide fucking open (see, "The Doors of Perception" by Aldous Huxley), but L. Ron Hubbard was a goddamn science fiction writer. Wait, something didn't sound right about that. Science... Fiction... Yeah that's it: Fiction, bitches. Goddammit.

OK, I'm done for now. To quote Ice Cube on The Predator:

"Ya know I'm out, but I'll be back."


Marla said...

I'm actually rather open-minded as far as religion is concerned. I pretty much believe "Hey, well, as long as you believe in something..."

But, Scientology truly baffles me. It's bad enough that it was invented by a SCIENCE FICTION writer, but as far as I'm concerned, any religion that thinks that anti-depressants are bad can kiss my ever-loving ass!

I suppose, though, in some way, L. Ron Hubbard deserves a high five for getting so many people to fall for his bullshit religion. LOL!

Di-Spencer said...

I'm pretty open-minded, as well. But I think organized religion is a crock of shit and brainwashes people. Believe in something because you want to, not because you were taught to believe in it since you were a child.

I'd like to go to a Scientology church after taking some anti-depressants, now that I think about it. I'd laugh my ass off if I took two bars of Xanax and went and listened to that bullshit.

Lindsay said...

I caught the South Park episode you mentioned, I only liked the closet gag. And yes, Scientology does seem ridiculous blah blah blah.

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