Dammit ... I didn't wanna do this

To: Homeboi
From: Dope dizzle
Date: Yesteryear
Subject: [Insert 30 seconds of thinking up a vapid subject line.]

I’m a little late jumping on this bandwagon, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Due to the dearth of story ideas, I’m gonna go ahead and list my five worst habits.

I’m usually against lists because, frankly, I think they’re for homos. But I’ve seen cool people (Marla included) go ahead with them, so I’ll follow suit. Here goes:

5) I hate people before I know them. So, yes, if I don’t know you, I fucking hate you. I don’t exactly treat everyone like shit. I’m just one of those people that, instead of looking for a reason not to like you, I try to find traits that would make me like you — kinda the opposite of most people.

Living in Arkansas, this is not a good formula because, for one, I absolutely abhor organized religion. I think it’s a detriment to our society, and our world would be far greater were it not for it. Um, yeah, that was kinda heavy. Sorry.

4) I judge people ... quickly. This habit kinda goes hand-in-hand with #5 — so what, shut the fuck up. (I’m tryin here.) I usually place people in categories: Superficial numskull with blonde hair that sucks men dry; art-chic liberal that’s incessantly protesting against nothing (the whole stick-it-to-the-man mentality); goddamn hippies, ugh; frat-boy prick that’s waiting to come out of the closet; the cool, don’t-give-a-fuck clan — smart people that have reached the point in their life where they can just laugh at our world and the little things which people fret over every day.

3) I’m not always totally honest — and sometimes I’m too honest. I’m sorry, but if you ask me what I think of you, I will tell you. If I like you, I probably won’t be totally honest. If I don’t like you, beware — I’ve probably been waiting for the chance to tell you how much I hate you (and what, exactly, it is that I hate about you).

2) I loooooove to get fucked up. I’m not as bad as I was in high school (I’d do pretty much any drug you put in front of me), but I have relapses. The thing is, I don’t have an addictive personality. I’ve never been addicted to anything. I’m just addicted to forgetting some of the problems I have on this planet. If I feel like popping a couple Vicodin or smoking a bowl or drinking an 18 pack or even eating a gram of mushrooms, I will. Then, every once in a while, I don’t mind snorting a few lines and having a long, drawn-out, deep conversation on politics and religion that my friends and I will laugh at the next day.

Sue me. I like drugs. And please, don’t send me any comment about how you’re worried about my health. These are recreation drugs, and I use them for just that — recreation. I’m not a druggie, so spare me.

1) I keep forgetting that I’m only 20. I have my whole life ahead of me — kind of. I just grew up a little too fast. I work 60-65 hours a week, and sometimes I forget that I need to just sit back and have fun.

Who the fuck am I kidding? That’s why god made drugs.