1.17.2006

Gay gay gay gay


To: Spongebob
From: Cartman
Date: Tomorrow
Subject: [Insert 30 seconds of thinking up a vapid subject line.]

I was reading my buddy Lindsay’s blog (you should read it, she’s a bright little ray of sunshine) and she brought up a great point. Is America done being gay, yet? I mean damn.

I didn’t watch the Golden Globes last night because, well, that would’ve went against everything for which I stand — plus I can’t stand to sit there while my girlfriend criticizes every actress’s outfit. However, I did read the list of winners; therefore, I can stay up to date on the goings-on of that shithole otherwise known as Hollywood.

First things first, know that I have nothing against homosexuals (I refuse to refer to them as “gays”). Even though it grosses me the fuck out, true love is true love is true love, whether it be man, woman or beast.

With that said, look at this list of winners from last night and tell me you don’t see a pattern:
• Best Motion Picture — Brokeback Mountain. The “groundbreaking” movie about two cowboys who fall in love with each other got a few awards.
• Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture — Felicity Huffman in Transamerica. Hmm... Fuckin’ tranny! Ha! (Sorry, that’s the best I could do.)
• Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture — Phillip Seymour Hoffman in Capote. Imagine that. Hoffman wins for portraying Truman Capote — a homosexual/pedophile/fucking weirdo.

Brokeback Mountain also garnered the awards for Best Director, Best Screenplay and Best Original Song. Excuse me, Hollywood. In case you haven’t noticed, it’s sooo gay to be gay right now.

So this queer cowboy movie is supposed to be groundbreaking, eh? So sorry to rain on your gay parade, but it’s not. Two guys making out in a scene of Gone with the Wind would’ve been groundbreaking. Queen Latifah taking it doggy style from a horse in Beautyshop would’ve been groundbreaking — and fucking gross. But you get my point, right?

Let’s explore this term “groundbreaking.” Mmmk... As in breaking new ground for something that’s never been seen before — or at least a compelling new version of something we already have. If you’re talking excitement from McDonald’s breaking new ground, I understand. But when I think of groundbreaking, I’m thinking that’s like an IKEA being built in Little Rock — farcical.

You had your spotlight, Gay America. Now, I think Hollywood should do a remake of Beauty and the Beast — “Harriet and the Horse” or “Gary and the Goat.” Sound interesting? I think so.

2 comments:

Lindsay said...

Buah ha is all I gots ta say.

Marla said...

I didn't watch the "Golden Globes", either. I decided to watch "Lincoln" on the History Channel instead. I'm glad I did. Even though it was THREE HOURS long. Grrr.

I don't have a problem with homosexuals AT ALL. I want to see "Brokeback Mountain", but primarily because I want to see what all the hype is about. I'm also keen on a good love story, primarily because I've been feeling all mushy lately. It doesn't hurt that Jake Gyllenhall and Heath Ledger are some rather nice eye candy, either. If they looked like, say, Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh, I wouldn't go see that movie. Neither would anyone else!

I have no intention of seeing "Transamerica". I've read about it...it sounds rather stupid. Why would you have a woman play a man getting sex reassignment surgery? Hm? Aren't there plenty of male actors that would have been able to fill that role? However much I like Felicity Huffman, I do agree that she PROBABLY (playing the devil's advocate here...bear with me) received the award because of the sexual orientation of her character.

Also, I've heard that Phillip Seymour Hoffman NAILED Truman Capote, but PSH creeps me out, so I doubt I'll see that movie, either.

but, overall, I do agree with your post (and Lindsay's). Problem is, that this sort of thing is not uncommon in Hollywood. You rarely see the most POPULAR movies win awards, it's almost always the most CONTROVERSIAL ones.