To: Unsuspecting reader
From: Suspecting writer
Subject: [Insert 30 seconds of thinking up a vapid subject line.]
Well I guess I need to do that whole Ten Things I Liked/Hated About 2005 bullshit because, well, everyone else is doing it. I’m usually totally against them, but it seems as though people are thoroughly interested in these lists.
Top Ten Things I Liked About 2005:
10. OK, I’m already going blank. That’s a bad sign. Maybe it should’ve been Top Five. Anyway, I guess I could say I’m happy with my love life over the last year. See, I’m complicated. I — being the pig that I am — like having sex, a lot. But I like having a girlfriend.
This year I was pretty good with her. I’ve been with this girl on and off for about four years — that’s a long fucking time. I didn’t cheat on her this year. I just did the more immature break-up-before-you-cheat shit. I know it’s shitty, and I really don’t wanna hear about it from any of you. Next subject, goddamn.
9. I liked my work life the last year. We’ve had a bunch of ups and downs but I got three raises and more responsibilities thrown at me. Although it’s probably not easy to tell, I’m a fucking workaholic. I work a little too much, but I’m making good money.
8. I liked the weather in 2005. Every day people have been bitching about how it feels out-of-season outside. Shut the fuck up. Who cares? Ya know, I really don’t give a fuck when I can wear shorts in December. I know it hasn’t rained much, either, but that’s cool with me. I fucking hate rain. Notwithstanding, I know farmers — and the state as a whole — are losing money, but I don’t care. I mean I do, but... ah, nevermind.
7. I liked the movies in 2005. See, I’m different. I like it when movies are supposed to be fucking HUGE and they just flop. It makes me laugh. hehe. ...See?
6. I liked my purchase of headphones for my computer at work. I love being able to act like I’m listening to music when people are talking. I love being able to switch the music to my mood. And I absolutely love it when my bible-banger boss walks in my office and I can take the headphones out of my computer and blast Pantera or Ministry.
1. I liked discovering the wide world of blogging. I started a blog about two years ago, but I was unsure how to go about it. Every time I tried to write something, it felt like I was trying to come up with a speech in front of an empty auditorium.
I’ve discovered the secret, though. You don’t give a fuck who’s reading. You just write, and let it pour. Make it as short or as long as you want. If it’s good, people will read it. If it’s bad, people will read it and then tell you how bad it is. And essentially, let everything off your fucking chest. And cuss, cuss a lot.
Ten Things I [Fucking] Hated About 2005
10. I hated coverage of Hurricane Katrina. I totally sympathize for the millions of people affected by that god-awful storm. But in America’s time of need, the last fucking thing we need is Geraldo Rivera putting on a show, acting like he actually gives a fuck. I wanted to choke the shit out of him when I saw that bullshit.
9. I hated the cars that were introduced. OK, GM and Ford... You’re getting a little out of hand. Some of these new cars are fucking retarded — in regards to looks and price. Go back to the goddamn drawing board.
8. I hated George Goddamn W. Bush. I’ll always hate him, but I think in 2005, I hated him the most. He seems to have that smug, “Get used to it, bitches, because I’m here for another three years” look on his face. Everything his opponents said about him ended up being true, and NOW his approval ratings are down. God, people are fucking stupid.
I could go on forever. But I won’t.
7. I hated new music. There are no good bands that came out last year. Did The Killers come out in 2005? If so, then they are the exception to my hate. I’m so tired of the bullshit bands coming out today. Ugh.
6. I hated VH1. Ya know, I didn’t mind the I Love the 80s shit. Kinda cool, kinda funny. But for fuck sake, talk about overkill. Three times. Three fucking times you talk about shit you loved in the 80s. And then I Love the 90s? What the fuck. That was six years ago. I’ll piss on six years. That ain’t shit.
2. C (I’m trying to make this short.)
1. I hated, and still hate, the Iraq war. The War on Terror, eh? Fuck the war on terror and fuck you if you support it. There is no threat to our country. That is smoke being blown up our ass. That’s like saying let’s start a war on pregnancy. It’s always gonna be there. We can take measures to prevent it, but no matter what you do, who you blow up, whatever — it’s still gonna happen.
I truly feel for the soldiers and their families. Ya know why? Because they’re dying for nothing. Yeah, I said it. They are being brainwashed to think that they are fighting for our “freedom.” How fucking vague is that? Our freedom. They’re fighting another country’s war. And for what? Our freedom. If my freedom costs the lives of over 2,000 soldiers, you can fucking have it. I don’t want that burden on my shoulders.
Any time I think the public is close to realizing how we’re getting bent over every day, Bush gives one of those speeches. Ya know, where he basically threatens everyone, literally knowing that millions of people are actually paying attention to his bullshit. “Your freedom is at risk,” he’ll say. No. No, it’s not. And if it is, it’s your fucking fault. It’s also your fault that my goddamn cousin never got to see his son. How the hell do you sleep at night?
... Whew. Sorry for getting a little serious. Now ya know what bugs me. : )