Are you fucking kidding me?

To: The White House
From: The Future President
Date: Yesterday
Subject: [Insert 30 seconds of thinking up a vapid subject line.]

I just read an article concerning the implementation of random drug testing at a private school. Numerous public schools have already passed — and even more are considering — some form of drug testing program for students. Sometimes the testing applies strictly to students in extracurricular activies, including sports programs. Oftentimes, it's for all students.

The White House endorses the idea. Bush alluded to his approval school drug testing in his State of the Union address. Am I the only one that thinks this is total bullshit — or in other words, an invasion of privacy and an obviously absurd and gross move by elected fearmongers to deplete our youths' civil liberties?

I look at it like this: Experiences in high school help shape the person you'll be for the rest of your life. However, I also believe that you change more after high school than you do during your actual tenure. Of course, drugs can be harmful, even deadly. But don't let these leaders assume the role of these kids' parents. That's not their fucking jobs. These kids already have parental/authoritative figures. They don't need any more.

Essentially, that's what most of the Christian conservatives are trying to do — be our fuckin' daddy. Who the hell are they to say a girl can't have an abortion? Who are they to say a kid can't smoke a joint? Who are they to you shouldn't have a beer? They had nothing to do with the development of that child or that girl. They don't know their middle (or possibly even their last) names, or their nicknames. They don't know what their favorite movies are. Yet, they're gonna try to punish and ostracize them for something that they did while away from school? Fuck you.

Private schools can do it because they're just that — private. It's still bullshit, and I wouldn't stand for it if it were my child; but at least it's legal. I'm so fucking tired of the fevered egos of this country tainting our collective unconscious, making us think that this shit is acceptable. (Thanks, Bill Hicks.)

This isn't the first time this idea has come up. But, for the love of God, can this please be the fucking last time?