RAAAAAAAAALPH

To: The Porcelain God
From: Your Humble Servant
Date: Around 8:36 a.m.
Subject: [Insert 30 seconds of thinking up a vapid subject line.]

Oh. I feel like a victim of Civil War torture tactics today. I had to stop on my way to work so I could raaaaaaaalph, and all I could think about was the people sitting in their cars at the stop light staring at me. I waved at them and smiled, after which they looked off quickly and pretended like it wasn't them. People are so stupid. I'm kinda pissed, though. I only got to eat two bites of my Sonic breakfast toaster, therefore wasting five bucks — and I'm a cheap sonuvabitch.

I don't know why I'm sick today. I didn't drink that much last night, and I didn't do any drugs. Plus, I don't EVER get sick. I can count on one hand how many times I've been sick from getting fucked up. Oh well.

I'm kinda pissed off. I checked out this book from the library the other day called "The God File." I thought it might have been one of those great books that I found by chance because I sort of just stumbled upon it. I was looking for a book on Eudora Welty, and I saw this black book that just stood out to me. Sure enough, I figured out what caught my attention: THE GOD FILE was emblazoned on the side, with shiny, silver letters that stood out like a black dude at a Klan convention.

I read the first page, and the book already grabbed my fancy. In the second paragraph the author stated three of my favorite vulgarities: shit, fuck and goddammit. The storyline was simple: Guy goes to prison for a crime he didn't commit and questions his faith in god. Blah blah blah. What I thought would be an interesting, Christian-bashing epic turned out to be a story about how a guy finds his faith in the Lord in the most inauspicious circumstances. Boring.

I thought it would be one of those books in which I could put up with the elementary writing and weak storyline because I liked the idea. It turned out being a shit pile with elementary writing, a weak storyline and an idea that wreaked with unoriginality.

OK. So yeah, fuck that book. I'm gonna get to work. Peace, bitches.