Aaaaaaah! Run, motherfuckers, run. Dick! Put it down, you sonuvabitch!
To: The FACE
From: Dick N. Balls-Cheney
Date: Face, I tell you
Subject: [Insert 30 seconds of thinking up a vapid subject line.]
Richard, Dick, Balls, whatever your name is, what were you thinking? I admit, I can be a ruthless bastard sometimes, but, dear GOD, I don't shoot 78-year-old men in the FACE. In the fucking face?! Goddamn.
And you know what Dick Cheney did after he shot that guy ...
Dick: "Goddammit, why did you get in my fuckin' way? Sonuvabitch."
78-year-old man who got shot IN THE FACE: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Dick, put the fucking gun down. Put it down, you goddamn cum dumpster!"
Kiss-ass hunting friend: "Uh, sir, Mr. Dick Cheney, sir. He's a lawyer. Like, a good one. Like a multimillionaire from something other than Haliburton."
Dick: "Well, now he'll think twice before he plans on suing me. No one — and I mean no one, Bananno (? sounds like a gay, kiss-ass name) — fucks with the Dick. Bitch."
Kiss-ass hunting friend: "SIr, yes, sir!"
... In other news, I watched the Stephen Colbert Report last night. Some ass-pirate governor was on the show talking about liberal and conservative moderates. Ahhh blow me. You know, as much as I want to like Colbert's show, I really don't. It's just not that good. I'll watch his interviews, but that's about it. I like it when they talk to a U.S. Representative: "One down, 434 to go!"
What does everyone think about Chas? I hate him, but I think it's out of jealousy. I really wish my mom would've named me Chas. It's edgy. It's cool. It reminds me of Hugh Hefner in the 60s. Hugh's name should be Chas. Chas Hefner ... I like that. But, really, doesn't it scare the living shit out of you to know there are people just like Chas all over the United States? That just gives me the chills thinking about it.
Oh well, just let Dick go hunting with all the guys like Chas. Maybe he'll shoot them. In the goddamn FACE!