2.14.2006

Shot ... in the FACE

Aaaaaaah! Run, motherfuckers, run. Dick! Put it down, you sonuvabitch!

To: The FACE
From: Dick N. Balls-Cheney
Date: Face, I tell you
Subject: [Insert 30 seconds of thinking up a vapid subject line.]

Richard, Dick, Balls, whatever your name is, what were you thinking? I admit, I can be a ruthless bastard sometimes, but, dear GOD, I don't shoot 78-year-old men in the FACE. In the fucking face?! Goddamn.

And you know what Dick Cheney did after he shot that guy ...

Dick: "Goddammit, why did you get in my fuckin' way? Sonuvabitch."

78-year-old man who got shot IN THE FACE: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Dick, put the fucking gun down. Put it down, you goddamn cum dumpster!"

Kiss-ass hunting friend: "Uh, sir, Mr. Dick Cheney, sir. He's a lawyer. Like, a good one. Like a multimillionaire from something other than Haliburton."

Dick: "Well, now he'll think twice before he plans on suing me. No one — and I mean no one, Bananno (? sounds like a gay, kiss-ass name) — fucks with the Dick. Bitch."

Kiss-ass hunting friend: "SIr, yes, sir!"

... In other news, I watched the Stephen Colbert Report last night. Some ass-pirate governor was on the show talking about liberal and conservative moderates. Ahhh blow me. You know, as much as I want to like Colbert's show, I really don't. It's just not that good. I'll watch his interviews, but that's about it. I like it when they talk to a U.S. Representative: "One down, 434 to go!"

What does everyone think about Chas? I hate him, but I think it's out of jealousy. I really wish my mom would've named me Chas. It's edgy. It's cool. It reminds me of Hugh Hefner in the 60s. Hugh's name should be Chas. Chas Hefner ... I like that. But, really, doesn't it scare the living shit out of you to know there are people just like Chas all over the United States? That just gives me the chills thinking about it.

Oh well, just let Dick go hunting with all the guys like Chas. Maybe he'll shoot them. In the goddamn FACE!

4 comments:

Buuuug said...

I think its mental how you guys can buy guns so easiliy, its just an invitation for madness. Fair enough all the responsibe arsewits will defend their right to buy em but what about the silent morons who use em for their own evil purposes?

Lindsay said...

I didn't even know Dick had shot someone in the face. God damn, I need to catch up on current events. I like "The Word" segment on Colbert.

Chas said...

buuuug, contrary to popular belief... it isn't THAT easy to purchase a firearm. This is because Bill Clinton and that Democratic Congress of the early 1990s passed the Brady Bill. Now, instead of immediately buying a large rifle and taking my rage out on the first animal I see, I have to wait. I know, what has becomne of this world?

Msb00 said...

Did you see that the dude he shot had a "minor" heart attack! I hope the fucker dies! And then Cheney would have to - in theory, of course - face Manslaughter charges. That would kick ass!