The Chili Cook-off

To: Your Stomach
From: Your Ass
Subject: [Insert 30 seconds of thinking up a vapid subject line.]

Alright, I got this forwarded e-mail today. I usually hate forwarded mail, but this is fucking hilarious (to me). I hope you find it humorous. It hits a chord because we have chili cookoffs in Arkansas all the time. I can only imagine an experience like Frank's:

— Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light beer truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

*Here are the scorecards from the event: Frank is Judge #3.

• Chili # 1 - Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili.

— Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

— Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

— Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy hell! What the hell is this?! You
could remove dried paint from your driveway with this shit. Took me two beers to put
out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are fuckin' crazy.

• Chili # 2 - Austin's Afterburner Chili.

— Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

— Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

— Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children, for Christ's fucking sake. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

• Chili # 3 - Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili.

— Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

— Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

— Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. Right now, bitch! I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

• Chili # 4 - Dave's Black Magic.

— Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

— Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

— Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. She weighs about a deuce and a half, but that woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

• Chili # 5 - Lisa's Legal Lip Remover.

— Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

— Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

— Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if it looks like my lips are burning off because it sure in the fuck feels like it. Goddammit! It really ticked me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. What the fuck is wrong with you people?!

• Chili # 6 - Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety.

— Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

— Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

— Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. Then I might eat it — it sure in the hell would taste better.

• Chili # 7 - Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

— Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

— Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

— Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me: I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Fuck it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the goddamn 4-inch hole in my stomach.

• Chili # 8 - Karen's Toenail Curling Chili.

— Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

— Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. No one wants to help him because he's covered in his own feces. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Oh, shit. He's going into convulsions. Paramedics!

1 comment:

Lindsay said...

I'm sure you could've written something more amusing yourself. Fo' shame Spencer, fo' shame.