Freaky Friday ... Haaaay

To: You
From: Guess
Date: Duh
Subject: [Insert 30 seconds of thinking up a vapid subject line.]

So how's everyone doing today? Really? Who gives a fuck? Not me. I thought I was supposed to say that.

Anyway, it's Friday and I feel like complete dog patch. It's all my fault, though, as you would probably imagine. I drank "a little" too much last night. Before I went drinking, however, I went to the mall. And boy, oh boy, was it fuckin' fun fun fun for everyone.

Do you ever catch yourself being extremely rude without even trying? Good. I'm not alone. I do it all the time. The older I get, I hate everything more. I used to be the nice guy. Well, not that nice. But nice enough for my girlfriends' parents to like me. But that guy is long gone. I catch myself grumbling under my breath after a cute, little 17-year-old smiley glad-hand says, "Are you doing OK, sir?" To which I reply, even mildly interrupting her, "I'm fine. I don't need any help."

The thing is, I should empathize with these kinds of people. (OK, I'm about to tell you something of which I'm ashamed and I'm sure will shock you.) See, I used to work at The Buckle. Yes, I know how much you hate it. I know how they badger the customers. I, honestly, wasn't one of those. I actually made pretty good money there; and the big bosses liked me. They'd say shit like, "If you keep this up, you could have your own store by the time you're 19."

Then I turned 18 and it was like a switch turning on in my brain. I was at work one day, got mad and told everyone to go fuck themselves. I also called them pretentious jackasses that nothing to fret over but their waist size and hair color. I just got sick of being around people like that.

OK, back to the subject: I used to get the evil stares and the low grumbles all the time. I'd just laugh at people. I wouldn't do the whole, "Hey, let me help you find something. What size do you wear? What? You don't want to say it out loud in front of 60 people? Why? Pussy?" I was more like, "Hey, I'm Spencer, you need any help finding anything, come find me. OK?" Always worked. People like to be left alone, and if they need your help, they'll find you. If they don't need your help, you can go take another smoke break.

However, despite my past endeavors, I fucking hate the mall. I hate department store salesmen. I, ugh, need to go back to sleep.


Lindsay said...

There's been so many times I've walked into some random store and just wanted to say Fuck Off to the lil 'hi how are you do you need help' people.


Msb00 said...

When I walk into those stores, first thing I say is, "CAN YOU TURN YOUR FUCKING MUSIC DOWN? THANK YOU. Now, go ahead, what did you say?"

Even better is when you're roaming the CD aisles at Best Buy and you get that, "Can I help you find something," line. And you're like, "Well, I drove here, I have a drivers license, which probably means I can spell and because I can spell and know my A-B-C's I can find the band Fear under F. Correct? And just to make sure, don't go yet. If I'm looking for the band Exploited, I would look under.... E? or I? I think E, right?" These fuckers need run a valet out front and quit trying to help me with my spelling.